PAST FORWARD - ARE YOU STILL NURSING YOUR CHILDHOOD?

Sometimes I talk to myself,
My mind is racing,
I don't know what to do...
So hard to explain. 
Depression isn't a stage or a faze some kids go through 
It shatters you...
I saw it all.

We are taught to embrace our past as it gives birth to our future. What happens when your past is bruised, creating slippery steep hills. I for one am still rewriting the foundation of my life. Don’t get me wrong, my childhood was well invested on, I went to the best schools, had a friend for every character I portrayed. But home was where I wore my mask; my father was as strict as any expected Zulu man. Both my parents wanted the best for their children, but how they went about and how I was expected to behave was where I lost myself. So why am I still trying to rewrite my foundation, believe me I asked myself the same question.  The answer that comes to mind is that it’s not the childhood phase that is hurting me now, but it’s those little events that took place that left a dent in my life. I didn’t realize it then, but now I see the effects.

As a child you have no frame of reference when traumatic experiences occur, so you come to see the reality as normal. It is only much later, when exposed to healthier families or when raising children of your own that you see how damaging your childhood was. Unfortunately, the longer you wait to get help, the tougher it becomes to heal. Which is what most of us do- because caring becomes too dangerous when we are children, so we numb ourselves to feelings. This not only damages the ability to build healthy relationships, but it also complicates later attempts to access the emotions needed for healing.

In a 2012 Brown University study, childhood trauma such as abuse or the loss of a parent was found to alter the programming of genes that regulate stress, boosting the risk of developing issues such as anxiety and depression. Trauma-induced brain changes, according to a 2013 study, have been linked to a diminished ability to moderate negative impulses. Childhood trauma can also affect the brain’s neurotransmitters, boosting the reward felt when drugs or alcohol are used—and making dependence more likely. On the contrary, overcoming the past may mean remembering it. Some find the concept of revisiting the past too painful. Others may be willing but find it impossible to sort out the jumble of childhood impressions. Often all that remains is a floating sense of anxiety. Pain becomes tough to eliminate when its source cannot be pinpointed. Like in my case, my victimizer is deceased, but even if they were still alive, I still wouldn’t be able to sit them down. But stupidly enough, I’m still trying to prove to them that I can overcome the boundaries they set for me.

As children we buy into all the things that we are told about ourselves. If those things are negative—that we are worthless, lazy, stupid, ugly, a failure, or will never measure up to a sibling—it can leave us feeling both unworthy of a better life and powerless to change. I’ve recently learnt that a bruised childhood results in attempts of finding in others what was missing from your life- in an attempt to fix the past. Or even becoming an approval-seeker who will go to any lengths to keep the peace or earn the love of others rather than valuing your own needs. So much energy is spent in trying to become worthy of others’ affection, often enduring further abuse in the process. Then people quote Thomas Hardy “ONCE A VICTIM ALWAYS A VICTIM, THAT'S THE LAW”.