ATTRACTIONS OF DEPRIVATION

All I wanted was your strength in my weakness,

Your voice when I couldn't find mine,

But I bargained for eternal scars.

I like them older, I Want them to call me "nana" and "baby". I'm talking about men if you wondering what I'm on about. You see, my father was always strict so I never could talk to him. Maybe he loved me, he just never said it. Older men who were not my father had this amazing gift of feeling that void of loneliness. They know how to take time to ask about your day, even a simple "nobody better mess with my goods because I'm gonna kill someone" makes you feel special. I never needed to belong because I was happy being private but belonging to someone who felt I was their responsibility made my heart skip the beat.

"Baby it's too big and it's painful, can we take a break" transitioning to womanhood at sixteen is not something I would like to relive. "Nana you know I love you. Please let me in, I need you so bad my love ", maybe the guilt of knowing that he went out of his way to make me feel important made me open my legs a little wider. Tears fell on my cheeks and I couldn't even wipe them as my hands were trying to push him away. I didn't bleed and I didn't understand why, but I remember checking if my thighs had cellulite.I had heard from my classmates that sexually active women can be see by cellulite and green veins at the back of their legs.

I look back and think to myself, 
Did your gender role pay out.
Why did I have to be his baby and not yours

If you knew my heart,
Would you have loved me more,
For my ever after never reached happiness

Comfort love comes with constant worry that your partner might leave you.  You continually compare yourself to his past girlfriends and everyone else on the planet. If you have daddy issues, you may feel insecure with your partner and constantly need assurance that he loves you. This can get exhausting, and eventually the neediness may push him away, which will confirm your greatest fear — you are unlovable and unwanted. This can cause co-dependent behavior and if not dealt with, may eventually suffocate your romantic relationships, leaving you a product of your own fears — abandonment!

Break down your issues into bite-sized chunks and adopt the affirmations that resonate most with you. The chart below can help you do that.

If this has been an ongoing issue for you, I encourage you to seek the help of a qualified counselor or therapist (mindbodygreen.com).